Love Is A Choice

Today's Thoughts:

I didn't really believe in the notion, "love is a choice," until recently (in regards to loving another romantically). I understood that love was a feeling, and a feeling I so desperately wanted to feel for myself. But I truly didn't understand how some people said, "love is a choice," if it was a feeling you felt. Could you actually choose to love someone?

I discovered the answer to this recently when I really took a step back and evaluated my life. Sometimes - because of the trauma I endured and the endless pit of anxiety I have in myself - I doubt myself and my choices. I looked at Jake (my partner of three and a half years currently), who has been such a solid and beautiful force in my life, and truly wondered if he was someone I wanted to love for the rest of my days. We have disagreements, and we both have our flaws and struggles, internally and externally. I love him, but was it right? Was this good for me? Doubt was ever present in the back of my mind. Maybe because of my past relationships? Maybe because I never saw a stable, healthy relationship when I was a child? Whatever the feeling was, it gripped at my core and made me question my choices once again. 

But then a thought occurred to me: I had loved my ex (who I was with for almost eight years), the feeling was there, but I decided not to choose him anymore after a terrible series of events between us. I had decided not to fight anymore, even though I wasn't consciously aware of that decision. It would explain why I just didn't see the point in trying to salvage anything between us and why I felt so conflicted with leaving him behind. 

Jake was a choice. I thought about him a lot - maybe too much - when we first got together. I thought about the, "what if's,” and, “what could be's," a lot. What ultimately swayed my decision was thinking about how he made me feel. Time and time again, he shows me what it's like to be loved. He loves every bit of me, even though we have our differences and disagreements. Even three years later, he always reassures me when I worry. He doesn't care that I gained weight and still says I'm just as attractive (if not more so) as I was the day we met. He makes me laugh so damn hard every single day, and continuously tells me that I'm safe with him. All this and more that my ex could never provide for me. 

So I made a conscious choice to choose Jake. To always try my hardest for us. To always be there for him no matter what, the same way he was for me. I vowed to always fight for him, to always catch him if he falls, to always try to resolve any conflict we have or face. I chose to love him. To show him that I wanted him in my life. I now understand the significance of choosing to love that special someone. It's making the conscious decision to pour yourself into someone else who gives you the same energy back. It's choosing to put in the work for someone you care about. 

I love Jake and will always choose him and his love and his personality and his entire being.

So, yeah, love is a choice.